Curious title, I know. But today, these two seemingly disconnected items intertwined together and pushed me to my knees, weeping, straight from the deepest parts of my gut.
A couple of months ago, I asked two dear friends to pray specifically with me that God would allow me to make a few meals for my family in the next couple of months. A seemingly insignificant request. I know. I know. Way to pray big, eh?
Let me back up a bit. I have gone several years without being capable of making a meal, due to numerous physical trials that God has allowed in my life. Over the duration of that time, my dear and precious husband (who had never cooked more than frozen pizza and chocolate chip cookies prior to “that fateful day” almost six years ago now) has “most of the time, graciously,” scoured through cookbooks with me to find recipes that he could learn to make from week to week (with diet restrictions, no less). I have often felt compelled to share more of the beautiful story that God is writing for me. Several things have held me in a virtual “neck choke,” as it were, however.
First, I am still very much in the “rising action” portion of the story in the way that I envision it for myself. I keep waiting and waiting for the big climax and “aha moment,” where I can share confidently. THIS. This is why God has allowed all of the anguish and pain of these recent years. I am a “tie things up in a neat little bow” kind of gal (ask anyone who knows me well), and I keep waiting for the perfectly wrapped “gift” to present itself, so that I can get to work on the decorative fixings in a way that will magnify Him and make Him look beautiful. Noble, right?
Secondly, I am a very private person. Sure, I can sometimes be gregarious in small settings among the people I trust. However, I don’t want my life on display to be evaluated by critics or even “sympathized with” by the tender-hearts among us. I just want to quietly do life as I used to do it. In my own lane. Setting my own goals. Achieving. Feeling quietly satisfied with those achievements.
However, six years ago this fall, God (for a time) completely took away my ability to quietly achieve and the sense of satisfaction that went along with it. It was gone. All of it. In one fell swoop. I felt lost. Scared. Alone. In mind numbing pain day and night. Some day, perhaps, I will share more of that journey.
Today, when I made pizza pockets from scratch with my own two hands (anyone with chronic pain knows how difficult rolling dough can be), this “achievement” was not about personal satisfaction. It was a moment of overwhelming worship. It was one among many “ebenezer moments” in God’s breaking and crushing of me for the glorious rebuild that He has in mind.
It still looks messy. There are still loose ends everywhere, but I do want to pause and echo Samuel’s simple words (after a special deliverance from God), to remind myself of how far God has brought me and to give me courage for the unknown future.
“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the Lord has helped us.’” —1 Samuel 7:12
*article written about a month ago
Jon & Renee 
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